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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26308282">since i last saw you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malva_skies/pseuds/Malva_skies'>Malva_skies</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Coming home to face your demons, Dysfunctional Family AU, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Modern AU but still different species, Not Beta Read, Past Child Abuse, Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra)'s A+ Parenting, Slow Burn, Sounds depressing but bare with me, can't believe that is actually a tag, cursing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:00:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,470</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26308282</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malva_skies/pseuds/Malva_skies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Catra, a painter on the rise, goes back to her hometown after years of absence when a sudden death hits her family.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adora &amp; Catra (She-Ra)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. in exile</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I think there's only a certain amount of fics you can read before you start thinking about your own, so here I am, sprinkling trauma into my comfort characters and yielding to my current obsesion with folklore by Taylor Swift.<br/>It's going to be a ride.</p><p>I would like to thank <a href="https://twitter.com/T1mo98?s=09"> Timo</a> for beta reading this and making this chapter more readable, while keeping it's essence. If you want someone to help you out, I would very much recommend them :)</p><p> </p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Her phone rings the moment she puts a foot out of the shower, as if the universe is determined to give her no time to rest, her screen lights up with an unknown caller and after little hesitation she decides to ignore the call. Catra enters her room and sinks into the mattress, she lets out all the air in her body and inhales, counting to ten and tries to focus on her breath to clear her mind of the day and the to-do list for tomorrow.</p><p>“Everything’s ok” she whispers. It had been a while since she had thought about the past. There was a time when dipping her fingers in paint meant ending with a haunting memory framed and hung on a wall, it was painful and exhausting, kind of an exorcism, but those days were gone. Because it was a phase, just a phase. Artists have them all the time. She was on the next thing of her life. At least she thought so and that should be enough to make it so, but the navy blue paint stuck in the rims of her nails was a complete defiance to that statement.</p><p>In the afternoon, Catra had found herself betrayed by her subconscious. She had been too concentrated on softening with her thumb the white paint of the fog that was overtaking the woods, when she took a step back to analyze the composition of the canvas and she was dumbfounded by the known face staring back at her. The music blasting from the speakers, seemed to distort putting her nerves on edge, she shut it down with a single punch of her tail. The brown-haired woman stayed still as if a single movement would make the painting come alive, but she couldn't stop her fingers from tracing the kind features that were looking into her mismatched eyes. She then turned on her heels and left the workshop.</p><p>She’d had enough for the day.</p><p>“Fuck” she turns in her the bed and groans with a pillow against her face, shutting her eyes wishing she could fall into a dreamless sleep. Maybe some tea would help, stupid tea, it had as much flavor as a little bag of nothingness thrown into hot water could hold, she should get the good kind, Oolong tea from the Chinese store Perfuma had shown her. Maybe she could text them in the morning, Scorpia was always willing to hang out and Perfuma was always her welcoming self, they could have breakfast and meditate to “let the stress out” or whatever.</p><p>Her hands start to slip from the pillowcase, her body relaxes in the warmth of the bed, her ears flatten ready to quiet down the noise of the street. It had been a productive day overall, she had plans, she wasn’t alone. Her chest expanded in anticipation of tomorrow.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p>
  
</p><p>Catra opens her eyes in confusion at the blaring sound of the alarm, it was still dark out and the lights of her room were on. She blindly looks for her phone, stretching her arm to search through the bed with minimal effort and, once found she brings it to her face, squinting her eyes, unknown caller, again, agh, what is it with people calling… she focused on the time… at 5 am!!?</p><p>“WHAT?” The feline woman answered wanting to take out her fury on whoever interrupted her sleep.</p><p>“Catra?” The voice on the other side sounded vaguely familiar, she couldn’t recognize it but she had heard it before. She imagined different scenarios trying to place it, an ominous feeling mixed with the sensation of sleepiness began to take a hold of her.</p><p>“Yeah, what?” Masking her nervousness with indifference. Her nails tearing the blue clung to her fingers while holding the phone between her shoulder and ear.</p><p>“Hey, it’s Lonnie. I’ve been trying to reach you.” Catra’s ears perk up, she was fully awake, uneasiness beginning to creep up her spine. She slaps herself mentally for picking up the phone, this was stupid, how did they even get this number? She should hang up and block the number, why even bother with whatever scheme Shadow Weaver had come up with, she didn’t need that, her life was drama free now, no more drama, that was it, that was her only rule in life… but then again, she was never too good at sticking up with them.</p><p>“And to what do I owe the pleasure?” She answered mockingly, she could be a bother too, they were not going to be spared of her charming personality after waking her up “Does Shadow Weaver want to know if I’m still an ungrateful child?”</p><p>She expected a quick answer scolding her for the snarky reply or some noise revealing Shadow Weaver was lurking in the background listening to their conversation, ready to jump in an ask her for extra money to fix some new leak in the roof or to replace rotten boards from the floor, instead she listened to the ruffle of clothes as Lonnie adjusted her position.</p><p>“That’s the thing” Lonnie sighed “She… She is gone, Catra.”</p><p>She said it as something she was tired of repeating and Catra heard it as if the news anchor announced that horses were spotted flying over the city. They both fell quiet, lost in their own thoughts, swirling in remembrance, expanding the distance between them. If Lonnie knew, it meant she was at ho- at the foster home, she felt her fur bristle when thinking of the lodge in the woods, secluded in the mountains.</p><p>“Okay” Her husky voice broke the silence, accepting the situation is the first step. It wasn’t the right thing to say but what else could be said, it was predictable, she was sick and old, overall she was bitter, if someone had asked Catra, death was the most merciful option for everyone involved. Not that she was involved. She chose to exclude herself from the group, she constantly had been anyway.</p><p>Was it anyone’s loss?</p><p>“There’s going to be a funeral, of course, I’m calling everyone to give out the details in case they want to come down here.” Lonnie recovered her focus “You were the last one to pick up.”</p><p>And certainly she was the last one to be called, the first call was late at night, plus she didn’t remember any other attempts of contact. Lonnie continued talking through her silence, talking about dates and complaints about the schedule and how it was not their fault that Shadow Weaver's death was not in a convenient week for everyone, that there is a will to be read, yes, to the surprise of everyone, and yes, it had to be read despite whatever it said, and executed, too, and yes, everybody's presence was required and no one asked, but help was needed to arrange everything with the house and for the wake.</p><p>Catra's mind got stuck after she heard <em>their</em>, plural, ok, so Lonnie wasn’t alone, THEY were organizing it, shouldn’t have been a surprise.</p><p>“Are you coming then?” Lonnie concluded, wood creaking under her feet as she changed rooms.</p><p>“I’ll be there.”</p><p>“Fine” The other line sounded quiet after all the rattling, as if too much effort was put in to keeping the silence. “Text me to this number when you have the details of your flight.”</p><p>There was some hesitation from both ends of the call.</p><p>“Take care” Lonnie said and hung up.</p><p>Catra’s composure fails when the line is dead, she sits up in the bed and covers her face with her hands, she holds her tail between her knees to avoid it from swinging anxiously over the blankets, the last thing she needs is to make her bed at dawn, not that it matters what she wants, her night was ruined and her time sleep wrecked, fuck, even in death…</p><p>Her mind stopped short.</p><p>Why go? To mourn someone that was dead to her for almost a decade? To read some stupid will? There was not much to inherit to begin with and after her long absence of course the golden child was going to get everything, taking out the fun of rejecting whatever scraps Shadow Weaver had decided to leave her as an ultimate way to snide her from the grave.</p><p>Just the idea of traveling south to the damp and heated woods makes her sick, sure it was nice growing up surrounded by nature, but it was less so when you had a tendency to attract fleas and ticks, her scalp itched at the thought. It had turned out to be a difficult summer after they spent one-night camping outside the cabin; Shadow Weaver had threatened to shave all the kids if they couldn’t stop scratching and rubbing against the furniture. Only Rogelio had proved to be safe and undefeated in the war against the parasites, so he ended up being responsible for spraying water with vinegar on everyone as they stood up in line in the backyard. He also had to pluck everyone’s hair free of the insects much to Kyle’s happiness, but for general dismay the antidote didn’t last much and Shadow Weaver made good on her promise.</p><p>Out of all the shedded tears for the lost hair, Lonnie had gotten the sweetest deal, she swore to destroy anyone who came near her with the intention of cutting it, arguing that buzzing off her dreadlocks would be like chopping a finger from her hand. In return she got the abandoned room in the attic, with the ghost stories and the cobwebs, so she’d be out of risk if a situation alike occurred again. In exchange she promised to give safe haven to anyone suffering Shadow Weaver's wrath, they all agreed there was nothing to argue against that logic.</p><p>When they got back to school, all their classmates had puzzled looks when they noticed most of them had a similar buzzcut, rumors circulated around town that they were kids whose parents died in a police raid of a secret church, and it was passed on to their offspring’s to keep the cult alive. Thinking back on it, she wondered how in hell did kids came up with this stories. It had certainly made them outcasts, but it also had given them immunity in school for years to come, no bully dared to push them around.</p><p>A smile played around the corners of Catra’s mouth, looming to display on her face despite the circumstances.</p><p>
  <em>No.</em>
</p><p>Chasing memories was not a good enough reason to take a plane and subject herself to open a jam-packed box of emotions.</p><p>She could change her mind. She had changed it. She didn’t want to go anymore; she didn’t want to go to begin with. Yeah, she had questions, but everybody does. Why is the sky blue, what is our purpose, when is the best time to nap. Did it really mattered if she never knew when it happened or how it happened, if anyone was with her, was it painful... were all the orphans going to attend? how long had Lonnie been at the foster home? did <em>she </em>asked her to come help her out? Catra's mind kept inquiring until her head was spinning but the inevitable question surfaced time and time again, why wasn't Adora the one to call?</p><p>It’s not that she cared, she had lived without a care in the world for the longest time. Because she had won, she had left them and their little life’s behind, she had learned her lesson, even if it had been the hard way, the worse way. She moved on and out of that damned place the moment she turned 18 to make something of herself, she was determined, more than anyone ever gave her credit for, and even if Adora had begged her to stay she would’ve gotten on that bus all the same. She had made up her mind.</p><p> </p><p>But Adora hadn't begged and Adora hadn't called. So why go?</p><p> </p><p>She rolls her luggage out of the closet and takes a long glance at her room, wondering how much time it will be until she returns.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. leaving at the side door</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Catra comes back to the foster home and runs into some people.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Her determination turns wary watching the clouds on the carmine sky from her window seat, the bright lights from the city are long gone, making room for a lush forest to appear, shades of crimson outlining the dense trees, at nightfall she lands. The moment Lonnie picks her up from the airport she questions the decisions that have taken her to this moment, it feels like a point of no return. It’s a silent drive until they pass the “Welcome to Etheria” sign, the dark-skinned woman runs a hand over her dreadlocks and sighs.</p><p>“That bad, huh?” Catra says with her eyes on the blurred landscape, she hears half a chuckle come from the driver’s seat.</p><p>“You have no idea” For a moment, it seems that is all they are going to say. But Catra can’t resist another minute in her head.</p><p>“Who else is coming?” She questions genuinely curious.</p><p>“Most weren’t interested or were <em>unavailable</em>, Kyle and Rogelio are on their way, they hit the road this morning so maybe tomorrow in the afternoon and some friends are coming on the weekend to stay until after the funeral”</p><p>“Hm” She can already picture the annoying couple embracing Adora in rainbows and sparkles, it pains her chest, so instead she pushes to ask for what she really wants to know, one of the questions preying on her mind. “When did she died?” She turns her body to fully face Lonnie.</p><p>“A week ago”</p><p>The cat glances to the windshield with her brows furrowed, processing the information, a whole week to get in contact with everyone? Lonnie had said she was the last one to pick up. Did they had the same doubts inviting her to the funeral as she had coming down? What took them so long?</p><p>Her mismatched eyes search Lonnie’s face.</p><p>"What are you not telling me?" The words come out harsher than intended, in the pit of her stomach an unsettling feeling growing. Lonnie stiffens her hands around the wheel.</p><p>“It was hard to reach you in an already hard situation, not everything is about you Catra. We wanted to tell you, we wanted you to come… but we all know how you react under pressure, especially when it's family related” Catra scoffs at the last words already annoyed by the excessive use of <em>we, </em>but it’s the last straw for Lonnie “What are <em>you</em> doing here? Do you even know?” the confrontation earns her a silent answer.</p><p> </p><p>The glow from the lamp posts casing the highway reflects on the brown eyes that try to read her expression and Catra decides to turn back to the window. They ride rapidly through the town at the lack of cars, she fights to not let her mind fixate on all the known places they pass by, to stop from pointing what seems to be different, what seems to have stayed identical despite the years.</p><p>Is almost midnight when the wheels follow the curve of the driveway and the corolla stops at the front of the house, along with her breath.</p><p>The cicadas drown the rubicund night with the flickering of their wings, carrying her to a place deeply buried in her head of sweaty races and smothered laughs on the grass. The slam from Lonnie's door brings her back to earth. She squeezes her hands into fists and then drags her suitcase from the backseat, looks at the two story wooden cabin, the balcony that surrounds the second floor, the roof shaped like a chopped triangle and the illuminated room above the porch, a heavy breath drowns her lungs.</p><p>When she crosses the threshold with heart in hand and memories banging in her ears, she feels a blunt hit, she doesn’t know what she expected but walking in she realizes everything looks smaller or at least her size. The dining room at her left with the same red tablecloth, the dim glow from the staircase fades into the hall in front of her, warmth irradiates from the kitchens closed door, it’s known in a way and yet, something is missing, it feels different, she can’t quite put her claw on it so she just walks into the living room to her right, hoping it will roll out of her tongue, the pattern of the couch greets her with its annoying asymmetrical lines, the dusty curtains drifting on the sides of the open window, the TV’s remote on the coffee table with some new missing buttons, the TV with the porcelain figurines under it, a little creepier since it appears someone wreck them <em>again</em> and then glued them in a hurry.</p><p>The stillness of the place, like nothing changed but the accumulation of dust sends chills down her spine, cramping her lungs. Stupid house. She starts to climb the stairs and avoids looking at the photographs that adorns them, they are not the same people anymore. As she enters the hall a hand pulls her from continuing, she hisses and finds Lonnie’s face inches from hers.</p><p>"Come with me" she whispers. In confusion Catra advances to her old room’s door, the light now turned off, Lonnie interferes “You are going to sleep upstairs, come on” a bit of hurt irradiates from her chest but she follows.</p><p> </p><p>Once the door is closed and she is left alone with her thoughts she inspects Lonnie’s old bedroom, posters still hanging from the walls, several already faded by the sunrays, uufff, reading the band names makes her feel old but there are some newer too, like a girl band with colorful outfits she doesn’t recognize. Unlike the rest of the house it appears to have been cleaned recently. Maybe Lonnie was staying here until she came along. She walks around and tries to remember the last time she was here, possibly getting away from Weaver’s inquisitive presence about colleges and futures she would never live, how the tables have turned. Adora stayed in their hometown, all the promises and shiny scholarships turned down, their plans shattered. After days and days of explanation Adora couldn’t help Catra understand what was so great about staying here, she didn’t understand it to this day.</p><p>She lays in bed and fails to stop her tail from swishing nervously, she counted on not being received with open arms, she assumed for some shouting and cursing to happen, a little wrestling and a long lecture for disappearing into thin air, for sure. This though… this was a new way of rejecting her, a mute one. She stretches the sheets to her head. It was a statement. They were not going to share, not going to be in the same space, because it was no longer theirs, it was hers and hers only. She didn’t even come out of the room to greet her. All the politeness and correct manners thrown out the window, because she could do an exemption when it was about Catra. Not a sign she was alive, for all she knew she was as unalive as Shadow Weaver. This could also be an elaborate prank from Lonnie, to fuck with her, revenge for all the times she had pushed her out of the swing. Catra curled up.</p><p>This didn’t make any sense. Why call if she was only going to ignore her. A haunted thought crawled her spine, maybe this was truly just about Shadow Weaver, no ulterior motives, it was Adora after all, she’d want to give her the chance to decide whether or not to attend, no matter how she felt about seeing Catra again, if she even wanted to. <em>Whatever</em>. She can leave any time now, she buys a ticket and that’s it, she is on the next plane out of here. This little adventure done and forgotten. Frustration bursts out of her lips and she stifles it against the mattress, she was going to get answers. Tomorrow. Or else.</p><p> </p><p>Her conviction serves as a blanket from the uncertainty surrounding her.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>The rays of sun begin to filtrate into her room. She slowly awakes, way earlier than she’s used to, blinking to get her eyes accustomed to the redness of dawn pouring on the walls and furniture, making scarlet shadows on the floor. It takes her a second to remember where she is, an overload of sensations numbing her orientation, she curses for forgetting to pull the curtains last night. After a moment, she realizes that she is feeling everything, the wind whistling through small holes in the house, dragging the outside world to her. <em>Petricor.</em> She smells the dew of the forest dripping down the branches, the flowers in the backyard, she scrunches her nose, too many too fast, she can’t pick the scents from the house apart, something unknown mingling them together, but she assumes is mainly Lonnie, Adora and- her fur bristles remembering the uncomfortable feeling of yesterday.</p><p>Her ears twitch when the silence surrounding her breaks by something still far away, the awareness of everything makes her paranoid, she misses the street noise from the city and its drenching stink muffling the differences between people’s scents. It’s so quiet here, she can hear for miles and miles, her ear flinches at the creaking of the old wood, the wind howling between the trees, steps on the dirt, quick steps, running steps, two pair of running steps, even in grief she had to go for her morning runs. Idiot.</p><p>Catra walks to the window and stands behind the curtains in time to watch Adora laugh at something Lonnie says. She stretches and pushes the window open, she smirks when the sound makes them jolt their heads up to the attic. She puts on some clothes, flies down the stairs and into the kitchen, taking care of not stepping on any of the squeaking wood boards, as if someone was around the corner prepared to scold her for running inside the house. “No one is here” she repeats. She awaits patiently, leaning casually against the sink, holding a glass of water she poured in a rush, the front door opens and closes, they chatter as they enter. Catra breathes in preparation.</p><p>The kitchen door opens next and her pulse increases… and she finds Lonnie's confused expression.</p><p>“What are you doing?” The pieces click in, she raises an eyebrow. “Were you waiting for Adora?”</p><p>“Shut up” Catra bumps her shoulder to get into the hall “Where is she going this early?” The truck engine roars through the rust and the wheels hit the dirt.</p><p>“Didn’t say, too busy avoiding you” The conceited expression on Lonnie wider as she watches the cat’s frustration grow. She knew the moment this two were under the same roof she was going to watch some dumb shit unfold, well, she couldn’t say she was disappointed, so much for eluding Adora for years for Catra to keep being be so affected by her. But they were all mourning too, whatever form it took. “Do you want to get groceries?”</p><p>Catra’s eyes drifted from the porch to her and shrugged.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The half-hour drive to town is boring. The store is boring. The people she looks at are boring and Lonnie keeps complaining she is being zero to no help just mopping around the shopping cart, pushing it lazily from aisle to aisle. Mopping. She was not mopping. She is… surprised. The lack of sleep, the dizziness from the flight, the arising of her senses without tuning in completely, it was too much. On top of it all, was Adora, who was never one to avoid confrontation, even if she was better with punches than with words, she always seemed to want to fix things. <em>We can fix this</em>, resounds like a long lost memory. Is that why she had come all this way? For closure on something that happened almost eight years ago?</p><p>She heaved someone’s heel with the cart and picked her look up to find a purple-haired woman about to whine, but when their eyes meet, the frustration melts.</p><p>“Catra” she says softly “I’m so sorry for your loss” Catra stares at her in shock. Loss. Right.</p><p>“Thank you, Sparkles”</p><p>Glimmer’s expression smoothens at the nickname. “You are insufferable” she answers without bite and Catra smiles. “Is Adora with you?”</p><p>She answers laconically “She left early this morning, Lonnie drove me”</p><p>Confusion waves in Glimmer’s face, well, at least she was not alone on that one. “Where to?”</p><p>Catra shrugs and in cue Lonnie walks to where they are standing with a grin.</p><p> </p><p>“When I saw Bow, I knew you couldn’t be far” They hug while Catra watches the exchange changing the weight between her feet. “I thought you wouldn’t be here until Saturday. How are you?”</p><p>“I’m good. We are good” The purple eyed girl finally let’s go of their embrace. “We wanted to help you, anything you need we are here, I know how hard this can be”</p><p>Lonnie nods consciously. “Thank you. Are you coming later?”</p><p>“We just got here and my dad wants us to spend the day with him, so we came to pick up something for the week, there wasn’t any food in the fridge.” She stops realizing she trailed off the conversation “Unless you need us.”</p><p>“No, no, it’s good.” Lonnie smiles shyly as Bow approaches while waving at them.</p><p>“Catra! Lonnie! I’m glad to see you... even under the circumstances” He says warmly. “How are you holding up?”</p><p>Catra takes the lead at Lonnie’s cold stare “We are shopping”</p><p>“I see that” Bow’s cheerfulness makes Catra nostalgic, it reminds her of <em>their</em> childhood. They stand in silence for a moment, as if looking for the words that’ll make them friends after so long of being strangers. “Glimmer and I were talking about coming to help with everything you are going to need for the funeral, the wake, closing the house, maybe we can come on Thursday? If that’s ok with you guys?”</p><p>“Sure” Lonnie shoves the cart towards the check-out “Text me the time”.</p><p>Catra follows after a quick “See you”. The couple waves and when they are a few steps apart, Glimmer gets on the tip of her toes to shout “Give our love to Adora” Lonnie raises her hand and shakes it to acknowledge her without stopping.</p><p> </p><p>When they were far from earshot, Catra mutters without waiting for an answer “Why don’t they tell her themselves?”. Absentmindedly, Lonnie replies “She lost her phone”.</p><p>Catra frowns and carries on “What was that about closing the house?”</p><p>Lonnie’s eyes come to focus again “Oh, yeah, about that, I think is better if we talk it over when everyone is here, it’ll be easier” and proceeds to pay for the groceries.</p><p> </p><p>On their way home Catra feels the urge to press for answers, she had a deadline. Yes, it was self-imposed, but still… she had promised herself to know something, anything, new for today and she had only stacked more questions. She takes a deep breath, remembering Perfuma’s teachings, <em>don’t let your thoughts control you</em>. Her life, her friends, her work, it all seemed so far away. She’ll call them, let them know what was happening, this might be the place where she grew up, her hometown or whatever, but it felt like the loneliest place in the world, she didn’t belong any longer, growing up she could see how she didn’t fit entirely, she was a part of things but mostly because Adora was included in everything and they were a combo, she could never <em>be</em> quite the way Adora was with her shiny hair and bright smile, she felt like a broken puzzle piece. Now she recognized the scene and everyone in it, but she was not a part of the act anymore, it was a bittersweet feeling.</p><p> </p><p>“You should give her some space” Lost in her train of thought Catra almost missed the words “She is glad you are here, but be patient” The cat looked at the woman sitting next to her, wishing for more, but the brown eyes stubbornly stared at the road.</p><p>“So I should ignore her until she decides she is done ignoring me?” she sneers nervous of the answer, waiting for Adora to come to her was an old concept, when she enclosed herself after a fight with one of the other kids, the blonde would always look for her, even if she hissed and flashed her fangs, she would sit with her until she was ready to come out again, but it hadn’t worked much at the end, at least not in the way Catra wanted.</p><p>“Maybe” Catra turns ready to start a fight when she sees Lonnie is smiling, she is teasing her, teasing her about her not so well hidden feelings “She is not ignoring you, she is processing. You know, a thing people do when someone dies, it couldn’t hurt to try” The words leave them in an abyss, each in their own head.</p><p> </p><p>When they arrive the truck is already parked and the bedroom from the second floor has the lights on. She carries the paper bags inside and leaves them on the kitchen counter. <em>Patience</em>. The one thing she didn’t asked for, she got, advice to be patient. Perfuma would agree but what would Scorpia say? She hears steps, her steps coming down the stairs, she freezes expecting the door to shuffle at any moment but instead is the main door that opens. She straightens her ears, if nobody is telling her anything she has to be resourceful. From the mumbles she picks up that Kyle and Rogelio will be here any moment now, with arrow boy and sparkles it was going to be a full house. Again, steps coming to the kitchen, Lonnie’s steps.<em> Aghhh.</em> Whoever was patience made for, it was definitely not her. She crosses the kitchen to the dining room to get out without being detected. The haunting feeling of someone watching still washing over her.</p><p>She walks out the door and a splurge of smells hit her, she concentrates to just pick one up while she surrounds the house walking from the front where the cars and road are, to the backyard that gives way to the forest and lake, the blonde is nowhere to be found and the wind erases the trail. This is exasperating. Did she have a night jog now too? How did she had working legs if she was running all the damn time. It had been two nights already. TWO. Is not like spending time with Adora was at the top of her list either, but this was too much, she must know that she can’t hide and go to places out of the blue the whole time Catra is here.</p><p>She sits down on the porch steps unable to retract her claws, she feels blindsided, it will take her a minute to get used to the smells, she has to do the work of identify them one by one, so she can stop them from messing with her memories, she can rely on her hearing at least. Catra stares at the leafs dancing from the trees to the ground, it recalls her of the piles of yellow and orange foliage they used to jump in after sweeping the entry, playing tag it was the best spot to hide and surprise the enemy, enjoying the sun before the winter winds came and they were stuck inside the house with Kyle’s yearly flu, until green started to bloom again.</p><p> </p><p>She feels Lonnie’s shadow hoovering over her before speaking, she smirks at the annoying awakening of her senses. “You should go inside. It’s getting cold and she is gonna be out late.” She pushes her a little with her shoulder to sit and join her.</p><p>Catra moves and bites her tongue to prevent it from telling Lonnie to mind her own business or deny that she is in fact waiting for the blonde to suddenly appear. She is better now, she is not an angry teenager anymore, she is an adult, so instead she just says “Fur, duh.” And then adds “How do you know?” Lonnie just shrugs, but the mismatched gaze bores into her face, pressing for more.</p><p>“She has friends Catra, she is allowed to come and go, is not like Shadow Weaver is around anymore”</p><p> </p><p>She wants to disagree, she feels her more present than in years, guess coming back would do that. She was no longer protected by the distance, it was the kilometers between them, it was the no-calling home policy, the sending them money for bills and never receiving a thank you, that kept her at bay. Except she didn’t want to voice those fears out loud and she didn’t want to think about Adora’s friends, whoever she went off to see, there were only ranches and farms, the closest neighbor was not at foot distance, somebody must have picked her up, but she didn’t hear any pick-ups drive by, she could've missed a smaller vehicle though.</p><p> </p><p>Catra goes in the safest direction “What are you doing here?”</p><p>“Same as you” she speaks as if they were sharing a secret, something only they could understand. “Waiting”</p><p> </p><p>They sit with anything more to say, making each other company, at least this felt familiar. The cicada concert is disturbed by the loud throbbing of a motor, Catra stands quickly in expectation before the vehicle comes in. The sight of an RV makes Lonnie jump from her spot, Kyle honks waving from the driver’s seat to say hello, when they park Rogelio jumps out, stretching and growling. Lonnie runs to them and in a minute they are holding each other in silent grief. It’s sweet. Catra goes inside.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"You got this wildcat! Go get her." That is what Scorpia would say.<br/></p><p> </p><p>Petricor is a word in spanish to describe the smell of wet soil, she is reconnecting with her latinx roots.<br/></p><p> </p><p>Hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I did writing it &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. this is me trying</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Catra is trying. They finally talk, but do they?<br/>Plus, memories of how the orphans met Catra.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I had this mostly written out but sometimes I'm too bad at letting things go if I don't feel they are perfect. And I knoowwww perfection doesn't exist, but still... it's a work in progress.<br/>Warning, I change POVs and jump from past to present along this chapter, I really hope is not confusing! I thought it was the best way bc it picks up the pace.<br/>Ok now... enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The box is safe and dark and warm, all the things Catra loves, but the box doesn’t have food, and also… it’s kind of boring, through the holes that supply her with air, she can see the pack of little humans and a lizard chasing each other and doing it clumsily, she could beat them in the wink of an eye, but that would also mean that she has to get out, and she is not sure she wants to do that around potential predators, they don’t seem threatening though, one of them dragged her box inside when it started to rain, making sure to bump against everything on the way in and put her between the two giant ugly pillows where they sit to watch the other box in the room, a talking one, once they go upstairs, she is free to roam around.</p><p> </p><p>They were all curious at first, they tried to open the lids but got intimidated by her hiss. They poked fingers in the holes until one of them got pricked by her claws, teaching them a valuable lesson about personal space. Now they just accepted the presence of the card box without paying too much attention to it, except for the yellow one, she likes to sit on the floor facing the box and babble and babble about how good of a day it is to go out. Catra knows, she can smell it, the sun over the grass, the green and crisp air, she is not stupid, but maybe the yellow one doesn’t know Catra knows, because she doesn’t know there’s a magicat in the box. That would explain her cheerful behavior around the menacing threat that is kept inside, she’s clueless, a ferocious creature wanders at midnight through the house cloaked by the shadows when they are all sound asleep and they don’t even bother to lock the doors. How have they stayed alive this long?</p><p> </p><p>They could learn a thing or two about survival, but she can’t let her guard down, this place feels to mushy and warm to be long term, so she keeps watch to observe their behaviors. The pale one seems frail, he is not in any position to harm Catra not even if he had a set of sharp claws like hers, the smaller one is kind, when the big human gets to the house she makes sure everyone is already quiet in the second floor, the lizard is shy despite his enormous possibilities of conquering this whole place and its inhabitants, and the yellow one is… energetic. She doesn’t seem able to stop trying to discover who is in the box, she leaves treats and colorful things outside, just within reach, in the morning she runs downstairs to check if the objects have moved, even if it’s just a little, Catra attempts to deter her by not touching anything, no matter how interesting they look, curiosity killed the cat, and still the yellow one seems determined.</p><p> </p><p>The trick that works to get her out in daylight is when Catra wakes up and the house is empty, she freaks out at the absence of noise and carefully comes out, she snickers up to second floor to look at the four bedrooms, there’s one that never gets used and it only smells of old wood, the big human’s room has a mostly read and black wardrobe and neatly organized cabinets and shelves with books she likes to look at, the lizard and pale’s room has two beds but one of them never gets slept on, the final one is the girls room, is messy with socks on the floor and open drawers with clothes hanging from them, like someone rushed out in a hurry, she panics at the thought that they have left her and the house behind. She hates the wetness that starts to drip to her cheeks, she walks around and the scent tells her that it hasn’t been that long, they are still fresh. She follows the citric scent and stretches her arms and legs in the bed, she rolls in the sheets that keep the smell between its wrinkles, curls in a ball and lets out a sigh.</p><p> </p><p>She realizes she passed out when she hears heavy breathings over her, she doesn’t know how to curse yet but this an <em>oh no</em> moment after she opens her lids in a snap and finds four pairs of eyes curiously watching her, more like scrutinizing her.</p><p> </p><p>“She’s not dead” Pale whispers.</p><p> </p><p>“Give her some space” the little one pushes everyone to take a step back, Catra tries not to shudder as she takes in the situation, she is in disadvantage cornered and tangled in the bed sheets.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you think she can talk?” the blonde boy speaks again, excitement drips in his voice looking at the lizard, he growls in return and then directs his growl at her, she hisses with her fur on end and eyes the door.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think she speaks your language Rogelio” he adds a little less enthusiastic.</p><p> </p><p>“Let me try!” the yellow one elbows everyone to stand at the front “HI, I’M ADORA” the girl talks loudly to her face with open blue eyes, Catra shows her fangs and retreats to the wall at the closeness of the girl, she readies her claws but her gaze is no longer on an exit strategy, she is lost in the blue orbs. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you” she says now in a whisper and curls her lips upwards showing the lack of teeth in some places. Catra is confused, showing your fangs is a sign of challenge, dominion and strength, but hers are so <em>so</em> little and round, the feline giggles covering the sound with her hands, the muffled sound soon turns into high pitch laughs as she hits the realization that it <em>is</em> a miracle that they have lived this long, with no tooth and no claws in sight, with the only one able to protect them being too timid to exercise any kind of authority. They were doomed. Catra should stay to keep them safe. Yellow one keeps her eyes on the cat, excited of getting such a happy reaction, then she asks “what’s your name?”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>Catra stretches in bed, thinking about how difficult it is waking up after someone is gone, is not so much the thought of the world being ridden of her presence, is the fact that she is reminded that Shadow Weaver existed in the first place… at the same time as her, in the same house for what seemed longer than a lifetime, that they had history, fights and issues unresolved. Catra drags herself to the kitchen her stomach grumbling, the change of schedule not quite settling in yet. By the amount of carmine light pouring in the house it must be noon, she is received in the kitchen by three gleeful faces chatting.</p><p> </p><p>“Morning Catra” greets Lonnie, smiling from ear to ear. The feline woman holds her eyes long enough to acknowledge her. The threads from her dream still present, it felt like a blur, she was at the forest with a little girl, chasing her down not very sure of the reason, yelling for her to stop but she wouldn’t or couldn’t, it was impossible to catch up, she woke up breathless and in a sweat, she had to change clothes before coming down.</p><p> </p><p>“You didn’t seem too happy to see us last night” says Kyle approaching her “but is nice to be together again” he adds while hugging her, too surprised to return the embrace and too comforted to pull away, Catra only stands motionless, taking it like a positive reaction, Rogelio puts his paw on her shoulder with a short groan.</p><p> </p><p>“Me too, Roge” the feline answers, when her arms are freed she picks up a mug and pours milk in. She sits down on the nearest chair and sighs, not aware of being in the center of attention.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you ok? You seem tired” The blonde man questions with a frown. Before Catra has the chance to swallow her sip, Lonnie dives right in to answer.</p><p> </p><p>“Adora is avoiding her” It is said with much solemnity and the other two just reply with a quiet <em>oh</em>.</p><p> </p><p>In all the fuzziness of waking up Catra feels like she is missing something. “And what about it?” she states, conveying to her words the assuredness that it might be like that right now, but <em>then</em>, then it will change, like it always did. It might take a while, sure, but it was Adora they were talking about, she subsisted on fixing things and saving people, if they were ever in need of repairs, this was it, the blonde wouldn’t resist. <em>Everything will fall into place</em>, she replayed in her head like it was one of Perfuma’s mantras.</p><p> </p><p>“This time might not be as easy” Lonnie affirms in identical tone. Her brown eyes examining the cat sitting in front her, she couldn’t decipher if she was bluffing out of insecurity or out of habit, it was not unlike Adora and Catra to fight and make up <em>all</em> the damn time, even in high school when their relationship seemed to be over, they found their way back, they were safe haven for each other, but they had never fought and left it unresolved for eighth years. Time had passed and she was sure both of them had met more people, emotionally depended on more than just their childhood best friend, or at least Lonnie hoped so, she wouldn’t like to see Catra grasping what she left behind once it was already lost.</p><p> </p><p>As if Lonnie’s mind was being read, Kyle exclaimed with relieve “Oooh, so you already know about -OUCH” She elbows the thin man next to her and smacks her forehead internally, here comes drama.</p><p> </p><p>“Who?” The mismatched eyes dart at him and squint trying to focus, it was too early for this shit, they were covering up something but <em>finally</em> someone was giving in, something everybody knew for what it looked like. She’ll had to get Kyle and her some alone time to reconnect. Her debate between scheming or going back to bed were interrupts when the door opens to reveal a tall blonde, she enters in an energetic tornado without paying attention to her surroundings, <em>classic Adora mistake</em>, and keeps on babbling to Lonnie about picking up Bow and Glimmer, having the rooms ready, if someone had invited any more people to please, please let her know, so the house would be prepared, she stops only when she notices that <em>everyone</em> is in the room. Catra couldn’t ask for a better opportunity, with Adora’s defenses down, she jumps in.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Adora” She says nonchalantly, drawing the spot of attention to herself, she slurps at her drink and shamelessly takes in the sight of Adora’s cheeks flushing, she didn’t expect so see Catra awake this early “Did you run out of places to hide?”</p><p> </p><p>Lonnie looks irritated. This was certainly not what she meant when she asked Catra to be patient, but she is done waiting.</p><p> </p><p>Adora looks at her, a bit irritated. She was not hiding, she was in her own home, she lived here, there was literally nowhere to hide, was Catra offended? That was a funny thought, Catra being offended, her mind gets stuck on the milk mustache that is adorning Catra’s face, she wants to brush it off but that would be weird, right? And she wants to say she looks cute, but it would only make her mad or embarrassed and maybe things would get more awkward than what they needed to be, than what they already were. She doesn’t have time to reminisce, so she ends her mental rant to focus on the list of chores sitting in the truck, she had to go. “Hey guys” she says to everyone and no one in particular “I’ll be back after dinner, don’t wait for me” she gives them a small smile, grabs an apple and leaves.</p><p> </p><p>The cat swishes her tail in exasperation, well, at least the <em>she</em> is coming back. Now she needs this dummies to tell her about whatever or whoever they are no talking about. She turns to interrogate Lonnie but finds her with a raised a brow “Hey Adora? Where’s that supposed to get you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah Catra, you’ve lost your touch” She hears Kyle’s voice from behind her, he laughs lightly “I used to think you were cool” Catra spins to show her fangs, but it only makes the thin man and the lizard burst into laughs, the sight of a menacing Catra with milk on her face is too close a reflection of the baby magicat trying to boss them around when they were kids and it makes it impossible to keep a straight face.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s so funny?” she growls. She is intimidating! This damn place was messing with her, showing every weak point she had and pushing her buttons, nobody would tell her anything and she was getting to her limit. “I wouldn’t be so careless about who I tease” the ice on her voice is enough to shut their giggles but because she is Catra, she decides to end it with a nail trailing softly along his neck, leaving a white line on his skin. For a moment it feels like they are all back in their teens, wild fights, slamming doors, Shadow’s punishments, frustrated plans. </p><p> </p><p>The spell is broken when Lonnie stands between them “Careful Catra, you are a guest here now”</p><p> </p><p>Catra steps back and breaths, looking at the scene she has made. She felt insecure and attacked, ok? Why is it so difficult to be <em>better </em>here! What had she learned when she did this kind of stuff? You can do this Catra, deescalate. “I shouldn’t have reacted that way. Are you ok?” Kyle nods at her, thankful for the stressful moment to end. Communication skills, that is what, now she just needed to apply it to Adora, show her how much she had grown, how mature she is now, if they could ever stay under the same damn roof for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>“Is ok Catra, this are hard times for everyone” He was just as forgiving as when they were growing up, she used to think he was weak but it was compassion all along. Lonnie and Rogelio exchange a proud look, the last one emits a deep growl.</p><p> </p><p>“Rogelio is right, I need you to help ready the bedroom for Glimmer and Bow tomorrow” Lonnie takes a mop, bucket and cloths from down the counter sink and passes them on “Let’s go”</p><p> </p><p>Catra looks at her as she hushes them out “And what are you doing?”</p><p> </p><p>A defying look appears on the brown eyes “Phoning insurance to make sure they will cover the funeral, want to trade?” Before the hybrid turns she adds “And Catra…” she brings her forearm to her mouth to motion a wipe.</p><p> </p><p>The cat follows the movement thanking her tanned fur to cover part of her flush, then says sheepishly “I have friends coming over too, they’ll be here Friday” and then goes up. Lonnie wants to tease her for not telling Adora directly, but it’s not the time maybe she’ll drag it out when they are on speaking terms.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>“Shadow, I think we should keep her” Adora ventures into her foster mom’s room, she normally waits to be granted permission to enter but this is an urgent matter, so she compensates by being careful of not touching anything she doesn’t have to, the girl puts a gentle hand on the armrest of Shadow Weaver’s chair to bring attention to her and smiles. Smiling almost always gets her what she asks for, so she does so a little more aggressively like she wants her molars to show, she really wants the new one to stay, she is so different from anyone here, from her eyes to the sharp nails of her toes.</p><p> </p><p>“Her?” Shadow’s inquisitive look travels from her reading to Adora’s funny grimace, she relaxes at the sight of such a delightful creature, she didn’t care much for children at the start of this venture, she had experience with them, tending to their ills and pains so she could bring them back to health, but she was suspended from exercising professionally, <em>for now</em>, she decided to clean her act and reputation by putting the empty rooms in her house to good use. When she decided to foster, she tried to only take in the ones who could stand without assistance and eat without smearing food all over themselves, after all there was no nurse to clean the mess they made. It turned out that having them close, let her witness that they weren’t as helpless as she had imagined, there were times when they acted like tiny drunken people stumbling unto furniture when running around the house or slurring words after drinking too much iced water to numb their tongues and try to communicate with each other afterwards, of course they couldn’t understand what they were saying but the laughs and observation of this behavior indicated her that it was the point of their whole ordeal. Overall they didn’t bother her much, the analysis of their little nuisances had kept her name fresh in research and they didn’t require more than the necessary. She felt fond of them and therefore acted like a responsible mother.</p><p> </p><p>“The magicat in the box! We have enough beds and she’s nice. I could play with her when Lonnie doesn’t want too” She smiles bright at her genius plan, finally someone to play all day every day, this was definitely the start of a great summer, once classes end she will have all the time in the world to show the hybrid her favorite places, if she was a magicat that meant she was a cat also, right? And they were surrounded by trees she could climb on, what Adora loved most about her home was that she could run until there was no more energy left in her legs and she still hadn’t reach the end of the emerald forest, the endlessness of the woods would be scary if it didn’t provide her a shield from prying eyes, it was fun being able playing pretend without anyone watching over her and trying to discourage her from playing rough so she wouldn’t scrape her knees.</p><p> </p><p>“A magicat… I didn’t think there were any left by now” Shadow drags the words, immersed in her head and Adora knows better than too interrupt her when she’s concentrated, so she waits standing on the points of her toes and then on her heels, balancing while she waits and waits, her lips growing tired of smiling but enduring because she really wants this one thing to happen. "Ok, let me see what I can arrange with the social worker" The woman is calculating to ensure they'll make ends meet by adding another head to the herd, she will have to ask for an increase in the living beings support paycheck. A house renovation was in order and they wouldn’t have a way to deny it to her, magicats were scarce and not many people were inclined to take them in, what little information existed about them was mainly stories passed on by gossip and the general conception that the hybrids were impulsive, aggressive and little to none affection inclined. But <em>she</em> had the selflessness to shelter one of an endangered species. They wouldn’t have another option then to give her the money and she could deepen in the research about their manners and habits, it would certainly be a breakthrough in her field, so how lucky for her that one just so happened to show in her step door.</p><p> </p><p>“GREAT!” The little girl spins around to exit in the mission of squeezing more words out of the fluffy magicat waiting in her room. She is one step shy from the hall when she feels Shadows presence standing behind her, she turns and lifts her chin to meet her.</p><p> </p><p>“This is for you Adora, so take care of her” She pings her nose with one long finger and takes the knob of the door to close her room. The woman returns to her chair, it would be good for the girl to have a companion, it would help her to take out all the intensity she seemed to have bottled in and tried to get out by jumping on the bed, jumping on the porch, jumping on the staircase when going down or going up, it irritated her that sometimes it looked like the girl went up and down just to jump on the stairs, the thudding got on her nerves, she didn’t have the patience she used to. Maybe the magicat would be a match for that continuous stream of vitality, they were supposedly surly and fast, that’s why there wasn’t a thorough head count of how many remained, maybe the girl will get tired after a day of running after her… Her green eyes reach the door again when she realizes she hadn’t asked for the magicat’s name.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>As they go into the hall Catra sees from the corner of her eye Shadow Weaver’s room, it’s been to long but she can still recognize the musk smell of her wine stained books. She turns to enter the front room that is next to what used to be the girls room, they named it the short-term room, because the kids that slept there wouldn’t stay as much as six months, either because someone from their extended family had found them or a couple of adoptive parents had choose them from the bunch, they used to call it the lucky room but after Rogelio slept there for a week expecting to rub some of the chance the other kids had and not succeeding, the name became depressing, it gave them awareness that it was not a matter of where they slept but rather of who they were, that was that no one out there wanted them, so they switched it to the short-term room.</p><p> </p><p>And there they were years after leaving home, cleaning like it was a Sunday punishment for something stupid, trying to make it presentable. Catra was looking at Rogelio mop the floor while Kyle cleaned the bathroom, she was supposed to dust off the furniture but her claws kept getting tangled with the thin fabric of the cloth and tearing it apart, she should ask for towels if they really wanted her to help with this, but she was not really preoccupied by it her mind was elsewhere, trying to seize the opportunity of Lonnie’s absence.</p><p> </p><p>“So… Kyle” Rogelio’s eyes dart directly to her, warning her not to take advantage “Who were you talking about in the morning?”</p><p> </p><p>Kyle’s peaceful humming interrupts, he peaks his face in the bathroom doorframe.</p><p> </p><p>“Who? About what?” He tries to feign confusion, but Catra knows best. </p><p> </p><p>“You were going to say a name” She gives him a toothy smile “But then Lonnie interrupted our conversation” her voice is innocent, but by the way Kyle gulps she concludes the approach is not working, so she tries to change it up for something more honest “Is just, no one is telling me anything and this is frustrating, this situation is difficult and I don’t think I can take more surprises, you know? I guess is the same for you, being in this damned house, seeing people I thought I’ve never see again, it’s hard.” She thought she was manipulating the situation but she ended up spilling her guts for them to see and for her astonishment it works, Kyle and Rogelio are exchange looks and then the lizard is nods.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know much more than you, Catra” He swallows, and it makes Catra think that she is not getting the full truth but beggars can’t be choosers. “I just know Shadow asked for us in her will, she established that if we were to get any part of the inheritance the six of us had to be here and sign her petition in front of the executor of the will, it was kind of a last wish at her death bed” he shrugs at the mental image of Weaver asking for <em>her</em> children to reunite “That is why we got called and it’s a big reason why we came… that and to meet again.”</p><p> </p><p>Catra is filled with unpleasant feelings, her vision turning carmine. Kyle and Rogelio had just arrived and already know much more than she did and Kyle was still refraining, she could feel it. But <em>how </em>could this be a surprise, of course they were going to blindside her like this, make her sign some legal shit and then show her the door. Adora didn’t even wanted to see her, she had reasons to suspect, like her <em>fucking absence</em>, but now her distrust was confirmed. That’s why the blonde didn’t even bother to call herself she just asked Lonnie to do it, because Adora was done with Catra and whatever pieces remained of them, the lengths she bothered to not be near Catra were absurd, because Adora didn’t want to deal with her but she <em>had</em> to, she needed Catra if they wanted to get the stupid dimes Shadow have decided to throw at them, an obvious attempt of cleaning her conscience for all the shit they went through, that <em>she</em> put them through and this fools were going to accept it, accept the last selfish act the old hag could make as penitence or some crap like that. <em>No no no,</em> no one was at fault here but her… She was so stupid, so stupid for coming here and thinking there was something to rescue. Her claws were begging to come out and tear the damn room apart, they wanted something to clean, well she could give them a real mess to pick up after.</p><p> </p><p>A low growl rumbles in Rogelio’s throat, signing her to calm down. They knew each other enough to see the danger when one was getting mad.</p><p> </p><p>“Catra?” Kyle’s voice is small. She closes her eyes, she wants to lash out so badly, burn this house and everything in it, memories can’t haunt you if they don’t have somewhere to live. She bolts out of the room and runs downstairs, she is about to push the door open for a screaming match when she hears Lonnie at the phone with Adora, that leaves her frozen in place.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>The blonde girl walks back to her room to deliver the good news, not that the cat needs them, she looked self-assured in staying, she said something about the lack of defense mechanisms around here, Adora wasn’t sure what she meant so she just nodded politely trying to understand using context instead of asking, not wanting to give her any reason to go inside the box again.</p><p> </p><p>The first thing she sees when she enters is Catra’s figure against the olive light of the end of spring streaming in the room, she is laying on the floor smashing the crayons against one of her notebooks.  All her school stuff was spilling from her backpack after dropping it at the surprise of eyeing a lump in her bed. She slowly walks toward Catra, after five minutes of being together she had learned the magicat preferred when she could predict the movements of everyone around her, it gave her less motive to pull out her claws. Adora looks at the drawing over Catra’s shoulder, a bunch of colorful circles with some dots in them.</p><p> </p><p>“Cool” She mutters, the cat glances at her but doesn’t respond, Adora takes it like an invitation and sits down beside her. “I talked to Shadow Weaver and she said yes, so you can live here with, well… she has to talk to Razz, she’s a nice old lady but don’t say it to her face, it’s not nice when you say it, you can think it though. She sometimes brings apple pie or lemonade. I think you will like her” Another silence passes between them. “I could show you around if you want to, you can choose where to sleep we have an extra bed here, but there’s also an empty room. It will be way cooler if you stayed here, though. We could do sleepovers and we have space in the wardrobe to put your stuff in” She looks at Catra, she is not sure if Catra’s only possessions are the ones she is wearing, maybe later when they went down for dinner she could check the box, so she changes the subject “Do you know everybody’s name?”</p><p> </p><p>Catra nods still concentrated on her drawing. “Pale one, little one, lizard one and yellow one”</p><p> </p><p>Adora furrows her eyebrows and a laugh springs from her. Catra looks so serious, she forces herself to stop, she doesn’t want to offend her.</p><p> </p><p>“Which one am I?” She smiles warmly, to encourage the magicat to confide in her.</p><p> </p><p>“Yellow one” She answers simply and turns to the notebook again.</p><p> </p><p>“Well… yes, my hair is yellow, but everyone calls it blonde and actually my name has nothing to do with it, when I said hi, I introduced myself, remember? My name is Adora” Catra doesn’t seem to be putting much attention but she continues. “The lizard is Rogelio and he sleeps with Kyle, in the other bedroom, I guess Kyle is pale, but in the summer he is kind of pink so it would be confusing if you don’t use his name, and then there’s Lonnie, don’t call her little, I don’t she will appreciate it, she sleeps with me in here and she’s crazy smart, we are in the same grade and reads better than anyone in our class, so she sometimes reads us bedtime stories too, do you like bedtime stories?”</p><p> </p><p>Catra knows all of this, she has heard the whispers from the living room, but she likes listening to the blonde talk, even if sometimes she feels like is so much it’ll make her ears fall, she keeps quiet while using the colorful sticks to draw her favorite hiding spots, when Adora stops speaking she looks up at her, the light looks pretty on her blue eyes and blonde hair, she thinks yellow is more of a word for her.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know”</p><p> </p><p>Adora raises her brows in surprise, it makes her feel sad. “You can stay in our room tonight so you can listen, she can do any kind of story, it’s really fun, then you’ll decide if you want to stay the night here or somewhere else. But that doesn’t happen until 9, want to check out our garden” the little girl stands up and offers a hand to help her up.</p><p> </p><p>Catra takes a moment to look at Adora and her hand alternatively before she takes it, they start to run towards the first floor, then to the front door and now they are chasing each other through the fields.</p><p> </p><p>“Come on” Adora shouts, she lifts an arms and points toward the trees. The cat crouches down to run on all fours and sticks her tongue out when she passes her, the blonde answers by giggling.</p><p> </p><p>From a window on the second floor of the cabin, a green gaze holds the figures of the two girls racing until they are lost inside woods.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>She stops the car when her butt starts vibrating and pulls the Nokia that miraculously turned on after years of collecting dust in Lonnie’s closet.</p><p> </p><p>“Lonnie?” Adora just wants this day to be over, so she can go into the next and the next and the next, until this is all over and she can go and be somewhere else. She doesn’t have a plan yet, but she can’t really do it with all of this things happening all the time, her head is swirling, she holds her breath until everything stops spinning.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey. Catra is bringing people home, some friend, they’ll be here Friday” Lonnie’s voice is mysterious. Some friend… she wants to ask what kind of friend, a friend-friend or a <em>friend, </em>it had to be a close friend for Catra to be comfortable enough to bring them to, what in the cat words was a, “a stinky dump for trashy people”. But she knows as soon as the question leaves her lips, Lonnie will tease her and suggest that instead of trying to avoid a fight that no one knows if it will happen, she should go interrogate Catra herself, besides what would they fight about, they haven’t seen each other in years, it would be stupid if they had anything to be mad for.</p><p> </p><p>Lonnie had established a no bullshit policy that they were to extend to everyone that came in the house, when they realized the amount of errands they had to run after Shadow Weaver passed away, they knew they had to bring out their communication skills and polish them shiny to get things done and be unto the next thing, what the next thing was she is not sure, her purpose was to get it done and get out, the sooner, the better. It was exciting, right? Doing her life as she pleased, nobody telling her what to do and who to be, no direction, only her against the world, her chest soared.</p><p> </p><p>“Adora?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ok” She conveys all confidence into the word, trying not to show how far her mind had wandered, her eyes roaming the scarlet landscape.</p><p> </p><p>“Lost you for a minute there.” And she didn’t fool anyone but Lonnie’s voice is calm “Focus, you need to know this, Catra will keep sleeping in my room, Glimmer, you and I in ours, Bow, Rogelio and Kyle in their old room and Catra’s friends in the short-term room, so we can leave Weaver’s as the last room to clean up” Adora blocks the last part and frowns at the thought of Glimmer and Bow sleeping apart, but it’s only a few nights before Saturday arrives. She pushes her forehead to the wheel, the pressure on her ribcage closing in.</p><p> </p><p>“Sounds good” She exhales a sharp breath, only two more days.</p><p> </p><p>“Great” Lonnie’s voice becomes excited “Say hi to Mel for me, oh, and talk to <em>her</em>, she is getting insufferable” before Adora can add anything on the subject, like she has zero to no power over how Catra reacts, Lonnie hangs up. She keeps her eyes shut, wishing it was over already, it will be, she reminds herself to not loose strength, only two more days and everyone will go back to their homes with the people they love and she’ll go on some quest to look for herself and with a little bit of luck it wouldn’t be hideous found. She drums her fingers on the wheel, seats upright and drives the miles left to Razz’s house. </p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>After running in the forest to their hearts content they come back to the house as the bright green of daylight turns into a dark jade. After dinner and the ignored lessons of how to learn to use cutlery, honestly useless for someone that can slice and impale food with her own hands, they go upstairs and Catra lives the magic bedtime stories, she quickly decides it’s her second favorite thing about this new place, well after the cold glass of milk so maybe it’s her third, she thinks about keeping a list, just in case.</p><p> </p><p>The six of them are in the girls’ room, Lonnie sits cross-legged on her bed with a flashlight illuminating the book and leaving the rest of the room sink in darkness, her expression changes as the story progresses, while the others sit attentively on the floor, Rogelio and Kyle are pushed together reclined on the foot of the bed, Adora is leaning on the wall and Catra is between them, with wide expectant eyes hold by her elbows resting on the floor, looking up at the little one that now looks as if she is sitting on a throne.</p><p> </p><p>The blonde was right when she said Lonnie really invested herself when telling a story, it prickles her skin when she speaks in the raspy voice of the magician that turns the princess into a swan and makes swishes sounds to resemble the winds of the enchanted forest, but she feels safe. Catra falls asleep with her head resting on her hands just before the princess exiles the evil wizard, and only sort of awakens by the noise of Kyle and Rogelio make by getting up to go to their room and the grunt Adora emits when she lifts the cat up to carry her to bed, she could stretch and walk the few steps, she shouldn’t let herself look defenseless but this is nice too, when Adora drapes them under the covers, she curls up to the blonde and lets her defenses down.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Listening into their conversation doesn’t change much. To anyone’s surprise she just has more doubts like who the fuck is Mel and why has everyone failed to mention her, like every fucking thing that is happening right now. She drags her hand through her face, Adora was dispersed during the call and that is not normal, if there ever was anything normal about that dork, but it hints Catra that maybe Adora is not having a blast with the whole situation, <em>duh</em>, and maybe holding back vital information from Catra is more a defense mechanism than an offense tactic, after all their legal guardian died, maybe is not on purpose, Lonnie did tell Adora to speak with her, maybe Catra should cut her some slack.</p><p> </p><p>She goes upstairs, not stopping by the room she is supposed to help clean up for her <em>own</em> guests as it turns out to be, she doesn’t want to see anyone until she is calmed down and even then she only has energy to talk to one person, she does the breathing exercises she learned while staying a weekend at Scorpia’s lake house, right when she had started dating Perfuma and she wanted to introduce her best friend and “the girl I will marry if she’ll have me”, and waits, she thinks of all the things she wants to say to Adora, and keeps waiting, makes a draft about feelings and things that she has felt since she arrived and the wait is over.</p><p> </p><p>She hears the truck parking, and goes down stairs. From the frame of the main door she can see her figure cut against the red sky inclined on the porch fence, her blonde hair falling like a waterfall from her ponytail. She can only see her back and jaw. Her fur rises, she has everything planned, no need to panic now. Quietly, Catra walks outside, going over her calm and collected speech and keeping a safe distance between them, she got this.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi Catra” The voice sprays her like cold water, the blonde doesn’t turn, doesn’t move an inch, reminds Catra of a sphinx expecting a millennium for travelers to eventually show up and solve her enigmas. It kind of pulls the rug under Catra’s feet, she wanted to be the first to talk but as things are now she just has to accept the surprise as she fights not to show it.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you done ignoring me?” The cat says coolly, the hot air making her fur damp while she waits for blue eyes to meet hers and as seconds pass in vain she feels the need to speak again. “Adora?” She was surprised by hearing the name pronounced by her own voice, her mouth felt at ease, as if had been stifled for a whole life.</p><p> </p><p>Her head turns enough to see a weak smile part the rosy lips “Sorry, I was thinking. I’ll have to get you back on that one” she keeps still, and Catra wants to take her by the shoulders and shake her until she comes out of this… trance? Why was <em>she</em> not shouting at<em> her</em> for burning bridges? For disappearing for so long? Why was she not mad or sad or both? Did she not miss Catra? “How does it feel coming back? Has it made you happier to have left?”</p><p> </p><p>The words are as cold as her posture so Catra stands a little taller. “Feels weird” it’s short but true, and she doesn’t want to give anymore until she knows who she is dealing with. Who was this? Had Adora always been like this? “I would ask how does it feel having me back, but you wouldn’t know” it’s not as strong as stirring Adora to her core and she didn’t mean for it to come out bitter but is what Catra can do being <em>pa-ti-ent</em> and all.</p><p> </p><p>“I guess not” Adora puts her chin on her hand, looking pensively, maybe she can smooth the frown between the blonde’s brows by teasing her, they always had banter.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you even live here anymore? I feel like I haven’t seen you since I arrived” Catra tries to joke but her voice comes out needy. Whatever, she has to tell Adora what she wants, how in the world would she know if Catra doesn’t? She is taking steps for a healthy relationship, she has spent enough years without her, maybe a week together will help her to go through some more if they can at least every now and then.</p><p> </p><p>“I do, is just there’s a lot that needs to be done before the funeral” The blue gaze is fixed on the horizon and Adora keeps quiet, not wanting to add anything else. Emotionally unavailable idiot, this is not going to be a stupid short conversation where nothing is said.</p><p> </p><p>“Like the will?” Catra averts her eyes, focusing on the falling paint of the truck in front of them, trying to catch her reaction with her peripheral vision.</p><p> </p><p>Adora’s frown is deeper as she looks at Catra questioningly. “Did Lonnie told you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Kyle”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh. I was supposed to tell you, sorry, guess I took too long” Her earlier scheming tugs at her heart as she watches Adora retreat in her thoughts but the possibility of being calmer than she is being now seems like an impossible task. What does it take to make this woman talk?</p><p> </p><p>“How are you feeling… with Shadow Weaver’s death and everything?” That makes the trick, the ocean blue eyes refocus on her and search her face, full of emotion. Catra closes the distance between them. She could hug her? If the moment felt like it? Spending so much time with Scorpia had definitely took a toll on her.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m so tired. I hate it.” Adora lifts her face up, crimson light illuminating her features while she keeps her eyes on Catra, scrutinizing her, memorizing her, acknowledging the changes she had missed from been too far away for too long, recognizing the features she had grown up with. Catra shudders under the intensity of her contemplation. “And you?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know. It feels like we lost each other way before I left, it’s like nothing’s changed” The blonde nods as an answer. Progress. They were talking about feelings. Good, this Adora she knew, she could deal with her, she would starve for a heart to heart conversation if that is what it took to make Adora acknowledge that Catra was here and that she was here… for her. </p><p> </p><p>“Have you cried?” Ok, so that is a curveball. Had she cried? Not really. Why the question? What was going inside of Adora’s head to keep throwing unexpected questiona out of the blue, it felt as if was the blonde and not Catra the one that had spent the last two hours thinking what to say, searching for the right words.</p><p> </p><p>“Have you?” The magicat retorts a little more aggressively than she intends to.</p><p> </p><p>“No.” The feline had kept taking steps toward the blue-eyed woman and now they were side to side, she had extended an arm to half embrace the blonde but a claw got stucked in the red jacket before she could cover the blonde’s back with her arm, so now Catra’s right hand was uncomfortably clenched on Adora’s left shoulder, she could only save face by patting Adora until her nail was free. The blonde looks at her in confusion.</p><p> </p><p>“I- I’m sure you will, when you feel like it” She says without expecting to deliver any real comfort and pulls her arm back to her side, surprisingly Adora’s jaw relaxes and then returns the pat on Catra’s right shoulder a little briskly. Scorpia and Perfuma would be so proud.</p><p> </p><p>“Catra… I’m glad you are here” Adora says slowly and gulps, Catra anticipates for what comes next. The moment she has been waiting to finally unfold, sadness and hurt seconds away of disappearing under the waves of their undying story, because there was more to come, they were going to pick up where they left off and mend, they will fix, they always did. But the blonde is no longer looking at Catra, Adora smiles, suddenly distracted by something. She follows the blue eyes direction to find a big woman sitting on an even bigger motorcycle, waving happy and innocent as she hasn’t just shattered Catra’s chance of getting back into Adora’s life. What was even more disturbing is she hasn’t seen the blonde as excited as she is now. Everything started to fall into place, that is what Lonnie had meant, when she said it wouldn’t be as before. Adora found someone.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, I have to go but will talk later, ok?” Adora walks to the six step stairs that connect the porch to the garden.</p><p> </p><p>Catra tries to keep her look undisturbed “Sure. Is not that late, I can wait for you” She keeps her weight on the railing to support her.</p><p> </p><p>An uncomfortable moment builds.</p><p> </p><p>“Umm… what about tomorrow? I think I might be spending the night” She is on the last step.</p><p> </p><p>A plead wants to jump out of Catra’s lips, <em>stay, please, is been too long</em>. But what right does she have.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not going to introduce us at least?” She tries to tease again.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, I don’t want to keep her waiting but she is coming sometime this week. You’ll meet then.” Adora gives Catra her on brand smile, shiny and bright, her whole teeth showing with softness in her eyes, Catra wishes it was under different circumstances.</p><p> </p><p>“Can’t wait” The smirk fades as she sees the blonde walking to the buff woman, jumping on the motorcycle and riding away.</p><p>So this is how it must have felt.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Catra's box is left in the cabin on a Friday afternoon, she spends the weekend observing their routine and that's why she is so freaked out when Monday arrives and there is nobody home.<br/> </p><p>After Adora leaves, this is a song Catra would listen to in loop: ifdc - blackbear<br/> </p><p>Also please don't feed milk to your cats, it's bad for their health, Catra can bc she is a baddie and a hybrid.<br/> </p><p>me: suscribes to a ton of fics to read Catradora all week.<br/>also me: doesn't update her own work<br/>I'm sorry!!! I won't promise weekly updates bc I just can't. But I do promise to finish this fic.<br/>If you have any thoughts, compliments (idk, maybe?) or complains, TELL ME!<br/> </p><p>I found so many mistakes after posting this, lol, adding the no beta tag NOW.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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